It’s been hard to write during COVID-19. Not because there haven’t been many thoughts and feelings to process during this time, but because it’s felt like my ability to draw any meaningful insight from this period was thrown out the window (right along with my 2020 planner). Quite simply, I haven’t been able to put pen to paper. It’s been hard to do anything. The uncomfortable irony of having more time than ever for writing - and feeling less able than ever to articulate the most basic sentiments - has not been lost on me.
But maybe that’s just it. This hasn’t been a time to draw conclusions, to put things into words. It’s just been…a time. A time to be quiet, to be still, to be.
Very, very grateful for the middle earth magic that sits on my doorstep. No car needed to explore the basics in this backyard (this is very good news as the car is not currently functional).
Article after article populated my newsfeed about how to stay productive during this time. Start your side hustle! Get into the best shape of your life! Take up a new hobby! None of that has felt remotely right. And on the heels of this bombardment, the reactionary re-framing infused in article after article about using this time to slow down, to pause, to be gentle with myself. Yet that hasn’t felt quite right, either. Unlike the perpetual rat race of most people’s lives – whether one’s work life or home life demands it – I have had the gift of space for several months now. I took an incredibly intentional two-month hiatus following my previous job: a full-on, self-imposed time out before I began my new role. I took all the time I wanted and needed to think, to relax, to pause, to be. I was raring to go when March arrived! And in an “unprecedented” turn of events, I was let go just nine days after starting my new job. In a matter of days, COVID-19’s impact was enforcing a second two-month “downtime” …only this time it wasn’t on my terms.
Big sighs. Deep breaths. Tears. Frustration at the injustice, the inconvenience. Crumbling beneath a perceived pile of isolating emotions and responses that were so not unique to me. The whole world, in different ways, has been reeling from the disruptions brought on by these common external circumstances. I struggled to sit with my privilege during a time that has been exponentially catastrophic for others; simultaneously simply sitting with what I was feeling. Those feelings were, and are, valid.
Then, quickly…reaching a place of acceptance. I can and will get through this. I can lean into my track record: I’ve made it through the unthinkable before. It occurred to me that many people were about to discover just how resilient they truly are. Many people haven’t previously had their plans pulled out from underneath them quite so drastically. It’s not an experience I ever wish on anyone, but we do find that we can and will make it through. Hard things aren’t necessarily fun or comfortable. They definitely aren’t easy. But that doesn’t mean we can’t do them. I figured, I’ve waited years to move down here and start this new life, what’s another month or two?
The most massive silver lining: my sister, my Hearth Sister, arrived to spend lockdown with me. Gamechanger. The biggest heart hug.
Easter 2020. It helps to spend lockdown with a Hearth Sister who is also a proficient baker.
Cue the ensuing rollercoaster. After the fleeting moment of acceptance, in flooded fluctuation. Dark, lonely moments and days. More tears of frustration. Questioning. Exaggerated distance from family and friends. The direct flight across the ocean – that tangible link between our worlds - placed on hold indefinitely. Then, the daily reminders that I am safe. I am surrounded by natural beauty. I am home here. I love where I live, and I can’t wait to welcome you. The fortune of empathetic, kind leadership at the national level, and a leader providing daily, clear communication. A female leader, period. I initiated a commitment to adding daily to the running gratitude list in my phone – a ritual I have maintained since the day I was let go from my job.
Don’t forget to tend to your heart. And don’t forget to step outside. -Daily mantra at this time. Best when sharing footsteps with a Hearth Sister.
Then the ongoing frustration knowing I have every tool in my back pocket to get through trying times – and the despair at not being able to “fix” it or “fix” me. Navigating a mental space that felt like moving through molasses. Prayer, meditation, movement, supportive family, supportive friends, access to fresh air and fresh veggies, quiet places to rest and restore – all available to me. Why couldn’t I shake this funk? Why were there so many consecutive “hard” days?
And then,
How might I contribute to my community at this time? Was it possible to connect with others in a place where I’d just arrived, when we aren’t able to meet? Where were the gifts of connection to be found with those overseas?
No, I haven’t hopped on the sourdough bandwagon during lockdown. I have, however, made two whole loaves of bread - a fact which should indicate the “unprecedented” nature of these times ;)
The world has changed. It remains to be seen how much we have changed. I remain committed to doing fulfilling work that makes our world a better place – socially, culturally, economically, environmentally. The internal shift is underway: I have chosen to embrace this time as an opportunity to explore prospects which may be an even better fit for my current personal and professional goals. It has been a situation requiring patience, humility, and reaching out among my network for support while I explore next steps.
These are a few of my musings from the last four weeks or so. It’s a journey, and if I’m honest it feels a little strange to be writing en route, rather than upon reaching a destination. But here we are. And I think that’s probably the best place for us to meet – right here, where we are. As we are.
Sending much love from my heart to yours - may you find spacious, soul-filling moments amidst these challenging days. May you [re]discover the calming comfort of copious cups of tea. I hope you pursue hope relentlessly, especially when hope seems most elusive. I hope you contribute kindness as you navigate your new, intimate version of community. I hope you compassionately care for yourself and others, wherever you may be. Don't forget to tend to your heart. And don't forget to step outside.
-Ali
